Breathe in and out. Action!

To rant or to rave. How exactly do I feel right now?

I've been depressed insecure for the past few weeks. Yes, me. The most egotistic and annoyingly proud confident person I know. And I happen to know quite a number of people at that. I found myself crying one night. And I knew exactly what I was feeling: I felt forgotten. Drama Queen.

Tragedy is a necessary requisite to anything connected with art. Since my mentor said that I have to write something personal for my next film, I guess going through this insecurity makes my future film legit. I'm writing this probably for a lot of things (aside from documenting my emotions for a possible writing material)

One is to tell the world (or the the 2-3 people who will be reading this blog) that I actually have bad days. I am not an emotionless bitch who walks around thinking that I'm a good filmmaker. I'm writing this to accept that I've been going through this insecurity thing for a long time now (which is, quite frankly out of character). I've always said and described myself as an aspiring filmmaker - because I'm not yet there but hopefully getting there. That even if I've had a few victories in the past, I haven't felt that in quite a while.

I guess a big chunk of this insecurity thing is cause of the recent Cinemalaya success. I always wished that their captive market was the same market we had for our SM films. I wished too, that I had a team that I trusted. I wished too, that I knew before what I know now. And right after writing that last line, I wished that I didn't write that cliche line. Fuck. History is proving itself true: it does happen again. Haha. Okay, sorry na de-focus.


Two is that I'm currently working for my idol. In films that I want to watch, I even want to make them. I get to meet people who I wouldn't meet if I were anywhere else. My network expands on a daily basis. I eat good food at work, I work with the people who are the best at what they do. And still I find myself kind of lost because I want to do a new film. "Impatient ang peg" I can already hear our PM saying. I'm writing this blog because I dont understand why I feel depressed. I guess I just am really impatient. We have problems too #conyoproblems


Three is that even if I've worked so hard in the past for the awards that I got in college, I have the need to be current, as in: I need people to know that I still am doing something significant in my life. A number of things contribute to my depression: I passed up a chance at the Ten Outstanding Students of the Philippines, I was too busy to finish the application. I guess I wouldn't have felt like this if I didn't see the list of the TOSP. I might have been more jealous of the fame than the actual award. He he.


Four is to realize that eventually, it's all just bullshit. A friend told me that whatever fame I got in the past, or whatever fame people are getting for their recent works, it's all just bullshit. I guess at the end of the day, my take away from all this depression I'm going through is that the only people whose opinions matter are the people who matter to you.

Five, six, seven. The list goes on.

When the list ends, there's one more thing I have to remind myself: mentor says "wag ka nang manghinayang diyan." Take it as one of those experiences that will really teach you how the industry is.

This is the beginning of my new script: A filmmaker who wants to make it into the industry, to be known, to make it to the 100-million mark like his idol. He will try anything to make it there fast. I want to explore that character, I want to be that character. And thank God I'm somewhere there. At least something's coming my way.

"No great thing is created suddenly"
here's to victories and defeats. and to bullshit.